Stewing

Why so quiet lately? I've been lost in my head. Trapped in the place harsh criticism takes me. On Monday I had my annual review. Having returned from a maternity leave this year, I knew it would be rough. I told myself to keep a poker face and reminded myself to accept criticism gracefully. No matter what they say about my work, I'd be ok. I am, after all, still learning.

I was not prepared for the personal attack that ensued. I'll spare you the details (though I cannot keep running over them in my mind, waking at night to think about it, wondering how this happened), but suffice it to say I was surprised. After finishing the review in tears, I read my individual reviews, which were actually decent-to-good. It didn't really matter at that point; the damage was done.

What amazes me is how much it matters to me. Why should it? My husband and children love me. My friends find me warm and funny. I think, despite what my reviewer said, my colleagues like me and like working with me. I am a competent lawyer with the promise of growing into a very good lawyer with time and practice. I genuinely care about people and treat them with kindness. These are the things that actually matter.

Still, I cannot seem to get out of my head or stop feeling hurt.

I spent today doing pro bono work- that helped a bit.