My Tater Tots

Jax is published

2010-05-17T21:27:00.002-06:00

Jax found out that his poem, Night, will be published in this year's edition of the Anthology of Poetry by Young Americans. He is so very proud and excited and so am I!

This year his writing teacher encouraged Jax to try poetry as a way to express himself. She thought the concise medium would suit his thoughtful nature and be a great work around for his challenges with motor skills and dyslexia. She mentioned several times this year that she thought highly of Jax's poetry and asked if she could submit it for publication.

Stay tuned- I will reproduce the poem here (with Jax's permission of course) soon.

Gratitude

2010-05-05T20:38:00.004-06:00

I keep reminding myself there is so much to be grateful for in this life. Here are three of them.

Jax and E

Sweet brothers on the swings in our backyard

Mommy and Gray on the swing in our backyard

Gray's 1st Haircut

2010-01-26T13:57:00.003-07:00

Several people have commented on my cute little girl lately. So, I decided to cut Gray's hair. Last night before his bath I cut off his locks. I saved two little curls and put them in a zip-lock bag. It seemed sort of silly, but I was so sad to see them go. We are experiencing many last firsts- last first steps, last first tooth, last first word, and now the last first haircut. And while I will not miss the diapers or the constant emptying of the cabinets and bookshelves, I will miss the firsts.

Gray one week ago before his haircut.

Gray in his dino jammies with his new big boy haircut.

A Handsome Hero Indeed

2010-01-25T11:09:00.004-07:00

In November of 2009, our family went to visit George Washington's home, Mount Vernon. It was actually really interesting. The kids enjoyed it and still talk about it.

This year in Jax's 3rd grade class the kids have been asked to study a hero. Jax picked George Washington. Today he gets to dress as the first president and give the 2nd grade class clues about the hero. They will then guess who the hero is based on the clues and costume.

Jax has been planning the costume for weeks. I spent most of yesterday sewing. Here is the cumulative result of our efforts...

Handy Work

2010-01-21T08:56:00.005-07:00

I came home to find E in big trouble. While upstairs alone while dad worked on straightening up the house, E had helped himself to the first aid kit. And he had used each and every one of the super-cool Transformer band-aids I bought for him the previous day. Each little finger was wrapped carefully in a band-aid. But to get it right, it had taken several attempts- and every one of the bandages. He had diligently kept at it until he was happy with the result. He had even taken my trashcan down from its perch and carefully placed the trash/evidence in the can. Apparently, when dad found E, dad was really angry. E told me that he was in big trouble and dad said no more cool band-aids for a long time.

This is how he felt about being in such big trouble and no more cool band-aids.But his is how the really felt about his handy work!
He left them on for four days and enjoyed every minute of it!

I have to admit, I secretly love that he did this. That he loved the band-aids so much that he felt compelled to use them all in one day. That he worked so hard at it. That he wrapped each finger and thumb. Little do they know that I have another package of Transformer band-aids in the medicine cabinet!!!

Jax's First Basketball Game

2010-01-20T11:41:00.007-07:00

I had the pleasure of attending Jax's first basketball game on Saturday. He played hard and did a great job. He had two steals, defended his heart out, and hustled out there. Coach Tate was really proud. Here a few pictures.

A little inspiration from Coach Tate at the beginning of the game

Jax throwing the ball into play.

Running down the court.

Taking it down the court (that other hand isn't on the ball- just how it looks in the photo)

Not for Virgin Ears

2010-01-11T17:40:00.004-07:00

E could teach a sailor a thing or two. Annoyed with the constant seepage from him nose, he followed a sneeze with a wizened "God damn it" the other day. It came as no surprise to us. Ok, taking the Lord's name in vain was a bit surprising, but nothing like the education he gave my in-laws over Christmas.

I walked into the room to hear E explaining, "there is a very bad word that we don't say and it is called the B-word." Uh-oh... please, please not here. E went on, "And my mom says we shouldn't say it and it goes 'fuck it.'"

"That's not the B-word," chimed Jax.

"Did he just say..." my mother-in-law looked to my father-in-law.

"And my mom says it's really bad and we don't say it." Continued E. All the while Frankie just sat there frozen like maybe if he didn't move it didn't happen.

"That is much worse than the B-word. That is the mother of all curse words." Jax said.

"I think he did." Said my mother-in-law.

That all took about 3 seconds. 3 seconds of living hell in which all I could think was please, please, please don't say "and my mommy says it all the time."

"Yes, E, that isn't a nice word and we don't say it. We have better words to express our emotions."

"Mom, that wasn't the B-word."

No, the B-word wouldn't have been nearly as bad.

Magic Shoes by Jax (an encore presentation for some)

2010-01-06T16:54:00.006-07:00

Hi, I’m Jackson. I’m the second most athletic in my class behind Julio Mati. There is a big race at 45th Street. I really want to win. I need some new shoes. I went to the shoe store. I asked the guy if they had any running shoes. He said yes. He took me there. I saw these awesome shoes. I bought them. I went home and went to bed. Tomorrow is the race. I woke up and said, “It’s morning.” “Ready, Set, Go!” said the ref. I went 4 miles in 5 minutes. Yes, these shoes must be magic! In your face, Julio. The End.

About the Author

Jax is the oldest of three brothers, likes superheroes, spicy Italian subs, and desperately wants a dog. He hopes to learn to snowboard this year.

My co-pilot

2009-12-31T17:22:00.006-07:00

This is one of my favorite rituals of the day. Each morning Gray sits in the car with me and pretends to drive. He loves it. This morning he said, "Go" and told his dad, "Bye!"

Look at me driving!

I take my driving very seriously!

Uh-Oh! Dad's about to take me out of the car!

Lucky 13

2009-12-29T08:31:00.013-07:00

Yesterday was our 13th wedding anniversary. Traditionally one would give lace for this anniversary, though the modern gift is textiles. We gave each other a road trip across the whole of Missouri, Kansas and half of Colorado. While it is not the romantic get-away every girl dreams of, as I looked around the car it occurred to me that it was not a bad way to mark the occasion- cocooned in the car with the people I love most in the world.

Yes, I look crazy. You might, too, half way through Kansas.

Yep, that's Kansas stretched out before us as far as the eye can see (and then some).

The boys looked for ways to entertain themselves.

And finally fell asleep at the end of a long trip

Christmas

2009-12-25T15:52:00.015-07:00

What a fun and busy time we are having.

Making cookies for Santa with Maw-Maw and Paw-Paw on Christmas Eve.

The boys opened our traditional Christmas Eve pajamas.

Milk and cookies on the mantle for Santa, and the kids were tucked in bed. BUT...

Mom and Dad feared Santa might have to pass right over when Jax and Gray couldn't get to sleep. E rolled right over and slept like a champ, but the excitement of Christmas Eve was too much for Jax. It is hard to say what had Gray out of sort. Everyone was finally asleep at 4:30 a.m. and Santa left the boys just what they asked for...

A Batcave for E,

a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist dummy for Jax, and and Giant blocks for Gray.

Gray made us all smile by enjoying the gift wrapping and boxes more than any of the gifts!

Whew! The grown ups are ready for a nap!

2 a.m. in my bed

2009-12-22T12:11:00.004-07:00

E: "Mom? Mom! Dad said I could sleep in here."

Me: "Ok"

E: "I'm just going to the bathroom. I'll be back. Dad said I could sleep in here." He pads off to my private bathroom, the one that is supposed to be free from boy tinkle. When he is finished, he won't turn the light off because it is too scary, but pulls the door almost closed. Back in bed.

E: "I love you, Mom."

Me: "Love you, too, buddy. Let's get some sleep."

E: "I got a GI Joe today."

Me: "I can't wait to see it in the morning."

E: "Yeah, he's super cool. Did you work late?"

Me: "Yep. Let's get some sleep now."

E: "Dad said I could sleep here."

Me: "I know. Don't worry about it. I'm happy to see you. We'll talk in the morning."

And this morning at 4 a.m. we resumed our conversation, and then again at 7. Lots to catch up on.

Growing Pains

2009-12-21T21:24:00.007-07:00

Jax wakes up at night whimpering because his joints hurt from growing so quickly. I've made buckwheat hot packs out of blue flannel with hockey players whirling around the fabric to try to soothe away the ache. Sometimes it works.

Lately I'm having growing pains. Not the kind that will make me any taller (darn shame, too). It is the sort of time I know I will look back on as a cross roads in my life. A stark before and after. Thankfully, no tragedy has marked this time. Just an insistent shifting of the ground below me, a questioning of everything I know, of myself. I'm not entirely sure where this is going or why I need to be along for the ride right now. Because, the thing is, I feel grown.

Funny, so does Jax.

Everything's Better with Waffles

2009-12-16T12:18:00.008-07:00

The morning is my favorite time of day. The day holds such promise.

This morning I rolled over in bed (my bed that is) to see both Jax and Ethan sleeping peacefully and checked the time- 7:58. That is 2 minutes before we should be getting in the car to head out to school and work. I woke everyone, Jax had a meltdown about being late and informed us he was too sick to go to school. E took the opportunity to torture his brother by touching him, yes that can be torture when you are in the middle of a meltdown. I skipped the shower even though I needed one and knew I wouldn't be back home until 10 p.m. E tortured Jax some more.

Frankie made the kids a sit down breakfast because E insists on it. And Frankie thought to capture Gray eating waffles because it was too cute to pass up.

We finally piled in the car at 8:45 (15 min. after school had begun) only to find the main thoroughfare to school closed. We sat in the detour for almost an hour- school is 5-7 min from our house. During that time, Jax ticked off the events he missed- group time, geography... E rolled his window down and called to passersby- do you know where we are?

After dropping off the kids, I went straight to my 10 o'clock appointment without going to the office first.

But when a day starts with a little boy loving waffles this much, how can it be bad? (Though I have to laugh- you'd think from this blog that Gray does nothing but eat! Ok, he does eat a lot.)

Not in my bed!

2009-12-12T14:04:00.003-07:00

THAT'S IT! After a week straight of E in my bed, I am evicting him tonight. He has violated the sanctuary.

Jax tipped me off to it. "Something smells" sniff, sniff "like pee." That's right. E peed in my bed. He apparently didn't even notice. It wasn't on my side, so neither did I. And without a sense of smell, I didn't know until Jax caught it. He assures me it is an awful smell.

If you know me at all, you know I cannot stand bodily fluids. I was horrified. E has had two accidents since being potty trained. Accidents happen, but not in my bed! That kid is going to have to sleep on his own tinkle proof mattress tonight. Which of course means no one will sleep tonight.

Stewing

2009-12-11T17:42:00.004-07:00

Why so quiet lately? I've been lost in my head. Trapped in the place harsh criticism takes me. On Monday I had my annual review. Having returned from a maternity leave this year, I knew it would be rough. I told myself to keep a poker face and reminded myself to accept criticism gracefully. No matter what they say about my work, I'd be ok. I am, after all, still learning.

I was not prepared for the personal attack that ensued. I'll spare you the details (though I cannot keep running over them in my mind, waking at night to think about it, wondering how this happened), but suffice it to say I was surprised. After finishing the review in tears, I read my individual reviews, which were actually decent-to-good. It didn't really matter at that point; the damage was done.

What amazes me is how much it matters to me. Why should it? My husband and children love me. My friends find me warm and funny. I think, despite what my reviewer said, my colleagues like me and like working with me. I am a competent lawyer with the promise of growing into a very good lawyer with time and practice. I genuinely care about people and treat them with kindness. These are the things that actually matter.

Still, I cannot seem to get out of my head or stop feeling hurt.

I spent today doing pro bono work- that helped a bit.

Missing Kyra

2009-12-04T08:06:00.007-07:00

It was a year ago today that we discovered we would say goodbye to Kyra. She passed on December 8, 2008 and I have missed her every day since. That day I sent out the following e-mail:

Our sweet Kyra Belle left us today. She experienced a very rapid decline in health brought on by hypertension, a tumor, and Cushings disease. She went very peacefully while I held her and scratched her behind the ear. We will miss her incessant barking, her herding, and her sweat demeanor. We were blessed to have 12 wonderful years with her as our beloved pet, our first child, and our "Kyra sister." She has been a constant and loyal friend to me and will be dearly missed.

That about sums it up. I sure do miss my friend.

Kyra and the boys in December 2008.

Kyra December 2008.

Kyra and E in 2006.

Sweet Dreams

2009-12-03T10:25:00.006-07:00

I need a good night's sleep. Jax has always invaded our bed, since the moment was brought him home and he nursed 24/7. That kid loves our bed. E used to be our best sleeper. He'd say good night, get bear, his poppys blank (my favorite down throw that he appropriated when he was about 18 months) and snuggle in for the night in his own bed. He slept a solid 12 hours and woke up happy. Then in the last few month he figured out that nothing prevents him from getting out of bed. Worse, he discovered that sometimes, after he is in bed, Jax sneaks into Mommy and Daddy's bed. Then the competition began. Now, at least one, but often both of them are climbing into bed with us in the middle of the night if we are lucky. More often in the last week, we are fighting with them to get into their own beds at bedtime- I know. It is crazy. We never expected to be negotiating who sleeps where with children. But after they get out of bed for the 30th time in an hour and have been crying the whole time, it wears you down.

Before I had kids, I was one of those smug adults who spoke knowingly of what I would never, ever allow my children to do. I would never allow them out of their chair in a restaurant, never let them sleep with me, never let them watch TV, never allow any sort of violent toy, no sugar, no sassy talk. Some of these rules have held fast, others have gone by the way side, most have reached some sort of realistic compromise that allows us to not be overbearing maniacs all of the time.

Oh, but the bed, the bed, the bed. Here is the thing. I cannot think of any more comforting thing in the whole world than climbing up into your parents' bed and snuggling down into the covers. Isn't it the seat of comfort, love and safety? And I know that we don't always have words for what ails us, we just need the touch and warmth of another person- someone to hold us close and soothe our hearts and souls. I also know that the day is coming when they will no longer want or be willing to crawl into our bed. This is a finite time- cherish it.

But, my God, am I tired.

Graham Crackers

2009-12-02T17:25:00.011-07:00

I have my plate and my graham cracker.

It's the last one.

I think I'll walk around with it.

Into Mommy and Daddy's room.

Ethan has one...

If I stuff this one in my mouth, I can take that one.

Here I come!

Brother, let me have it!

The graham cracker, that is.

Yummy!

Santa Spoiler

2009-12-01T08:32:00.010-07:00

It is the end of an era at our house. Jax found out- figured it out, I guess. It was during the whole swine flu quarantine.

Maybe I should start by telling you what a bone of contention Santa had been between me and Frankie. I didn't want to lie to Jax. I recall being crushed when I found out Santa wasn't real. I was so sad that he wasn't real, that the person the myth was based on was long since dead. I was angry and ashamed for having asked for such lavish gifts- things I knew we couldn't afford, but I'd had no qualms about asking Santa for, Santa who was magic and could make anything. But most of all, I remember how I wept hot bitter tears when I learned that my parents, and then my mother, had lied to me for years on end.

So, with all of this in mind, I proposed we tell Jax the tale of Santa and that we celebrate the tradition of giving, but NOT pretend he was real. Frankie nixed the idea- what is a childhood without Santa. (In exchange, I got a promise that we would forego gifts at Jax's birthday parties- which only half worked at all and then went out the window entirely when Jax got a say-so in the matter).

Jax's 1st Christmas 2000

And so, we began the Santa charade. Gifts from Santa, and photos. Santa would leave something in St. Louis where we spend each Christmas, and then also something under our tree at home. Yes, Santa was very generous to Jax.

Jax and Santa 2000

Or maybe I should start by telling you how much Jax loved Santa. My favorite Jax/Santa story:

When Jax was three we spent the day telling him we were going to see Santa and he would have to put something special on. To me, this was mom code for holiday dressy outfit complete with scratchy shirt and button pants. Jax took the initiative and dressed himself coming out in his Superman costume and announced he had put on something special to go see Santa. I loved it and loved him for the idea. And so we went off to the mall with our little Superman. After proudly waiting in line, asking if we thought Santa would like his costume, oblivious to the stares of the other parents and children, Jax was next. The sneaky elf asked Jax his name (no doubt to pass the recognizance on to the jolly man). Jax relied, "Superman."

Laughing, the elf asked, "What do they call you when you aren't Superman?"

His sweet, innocent face turned up to hers and replied, "Clark Kent."

Hand to heart folks. I love this child.

Each year, Jax thought long and hard about what to ask for. He wasn't one of those kids that would come up with a long list of things he wanted from Santa. He would ask for one, maybe two treasures. They may or may not be big ticket items. What really mattered was that they were something special- something he thought worthy of Santa's magic hand.

This year he came up with a really good one. So good in fact, we were somewhat worried about how we would find it. He wanted a ventriloquist dummy. He has been talking about it for months and settled on this as the item he would be asking Santa for. I had been searching on the internet and they are pricey. I love my son. I want him to have everything he wants- preferably on sale- especially when we don't know if he will even enjoy it. Then I found it. The dummy on sale for $20 less than I'd seen it anywhere else, still much more than I'd like to spend, but within a decent Santa price range and with shipping included. So, I ordered it.

Jax had started to ask if Santa was real. We would respond, "what do you think?" He'd say he thought so. We'd say, ok then. Everyone would move on.

Then the package arrived. I should note that it was a Wednesday - Veterans Day. No school, so the kids were home. No mail service, but UPS delivered. It had never occurred to me that it would arrive in a box with a picture on it. Who does that?! It was the worst possible luck. Any other day Frankie would have gotten it and tucked it away before Jax got home. Jax came up to my room carrying this...

He said he'd found it out front. His mouth opened and closed several times like a fish out of water. "Does this mean...?"

I took the box. I put it in my closet. My ears sounded like the ocean- I can only imagine what his sounded like. I got back in bed. "Jax, do you want to ask me anything?" He sat on my bed (pig flu quarantine be damned).

"Well, I, well..." I could see all of the pieces falling into place. Then he started apologizing. He kept telling me how sorry he was and how he would forget by Christmas. He asked that I not tell his dad. I told him he had nothing to be sorry for and that I was sorry he had seen it but it wasn't his fault. He asked if it had always been us. I nodded. He said, "Wow- I didn't know." Neither of us to could bring ourselves to utter the words, but we both knew the Santa myth had just died. He ended by saying, "Don't worry, I won't tell Ethan."

I love that kid. I'm sad for him. He has talked about it a few times since and mentioned that yesterday was a tough day at school owing to an awkward conversation at school regarding Santa. Then he stopped noting that , "the kids are in the car, I'll tell you later."

Jax, E and Gray 2008

The last year Jax believed.

These Boys Love Food

2009-11-23T09:59:00.007-07:00

Ethan making eggs

posing for the camera...

Gray enjoying blackberries

Oh, joy...

Pig Flu

2009-11-21T07:29:00.006-07:00

Yep, I've been in quarantine. That's me, in the mask. Alone, in my room for seven days. (For those of you counting-and I was- that is 12 days without my kids when combined with my trip.) Since we didn't know if Frankie or the kids had been exposed to H1N1, we were careful and kept me away from everyone. The pediatrician put the kids on Tamiflu as a precaution. I was on it, too. By the end, I was climbing the walls. I was plugged in as you can see- phone, blackberry- and spent plenty of hours watching TV and reading.

Once sprung from quarantine Wednesday morning, I returned to the most stressful, emotionally difficult week of work to date. I'm expecting a much better weekend!

Fun Travels, Good to be Home

2009-11-11T10:20:00.004-07:00

It is so fun to see your friends in a new light. I just returned from a visit to Texas to see dear friends and their daughter. It was a wonder to see them confidently handle her and her needs. They weathered her first illness like pros. They provided comfort, knew what she needed and when- they are simply her mommy and daddy. What a joy to watch them in their new role!

Their daughter is beyond description. She is delightful- like joy embodied. She is strong, self-possessed, watchful. She adores her family- GrammaFun and AuntSilly- and looks to Mommy and Daddy for comfort. She's tall and has a healthy appetite. She is wonderful, a blessing, a joy.

Last night when I arrived home, three boys snuggled in my bed with me. Everyone had something to say to me, even Gray ("Mommy, Mommy, pretty, pretty"- ah, music to my ears!). This morning when I came downstairs after getting ready Gray ran over to me in his little footed pajamas, greeting me with hugs. I missed those boys so much while I was in Texas! The boys were disappointed to hear that I have to work when they have the day off from school (me, too). E was already asking Dad what the plan was for the day (that's my boy). It's good to be home.

In Flight

2009-11-06T10:33:00.004-07:00

I'm flying tonight. I hate to fly. It's unnatural- well, for us- humans, that is. I hate the stale air blowing on my hair until it is stuck to my head and grease pours from my scalp. I hate the inevitable motion sickness. I hate crossing my arms for two hours in the hopes of not touching the stranger next to me. I hate wearing anything low and tight. I hate thinking about how irrational it is to imagine plummeting to my fiery death on take off and landing (the most dangerous times you know). I hate when someone tells me I'm safer on an airplane than in a car. I hate lugging around a carry-on (with my work computer no less). I hate flight attendants who act like they've bestowed some great favor upon me by condescending to speak to me in surly tones. I hate people who roll their eyes at infants and children on flights.

So, think of me tonight on the plane, listening to the Indigo Girls singing

up on the airplane nearer my god to thee
i start making a deal inspired by gravity
if i did wrong i won't do it again
i can be sweet and good and nice
and if i had enemies they're friends
i hold onto my life with the grip of a vice

and send a little pray up even though you know, as I do, that I will arrive safely. I'll be glad to see dear friends and welcome their daughter into our family. And for that I would fly to the ends of the Earth.

Blue

2009-11-05T09:22:00.004-07:00

I'm blue today; heart-sad really. I wish I had a mom to call. I wish I had someone who loved me best in the whole world, who could tell me what they think is best for me, who would protect me above all others.

I'm glad my boys have that.

Gratitude

2009-11-04T09:19:00.009-07:00

Things I am grateful for...

1. Boys with sticky-uppy hair.

2. Organizing (and the Container Store which I love).

3. My wonderful massage therapist- who should be called "healer."

http://www.kalaspangler.com/index.html

4. My hubby.

5. A good laugh in the morning.

Slimming down

2009-11-03T11:14:00.003-07:00

About a year ago I decided to have lap band surgery. The decision was a difficult one even though I have struggled with my weight my entire adult life. Of course, I'd love to be thin, love to shop in any old store I want, love to fit in airplane seats.

Still, those were not the deciding factors for me. My health was suffering. There were a whole host of problems, but the scariest was diabetes. I had been diagnosed with "the silent killer" three years earlier (about 20 years earlier than my mother and grandmother) and it was not getting any better despite medication. During my pregnancy with Gray, I had to injected myself with insulin four times a day. Even then, my blood sugar was not stable. I feared it was a glimpse into my future. My endocrinologist explained that each time my blood sugar was high, it was like sending little shards of glass through my blood stream to damage my organs. She warned of stroke and heart failure, talked of vision and limb loss. Basically, she told me the truth and scared the hell out of me.

She also explained that insulin is a growth hormone. And that is the catch-22. My cells are resistant to receiving insulin, so the body's response is to over-produce insulin, which makes me put on more weight. The more weight I gain, the more resistant my cells become, the more insulin I produce, the more weight I gain, the more resistant my cells become...

And nothing I was doing was working. It was time to take drastic measures. So I looked into surgery despite my fear of what others would think. Last November I decided to move forward and I had my surgery on January 15, 2009. In the last 9.5 months, I have lost almost 60 pounds! It has been even more difficult that I imagined, though I have been pleasantly surprised by the amount of encouragement and support I have received.

I still have a long way to go (at least another 40 pounds), but am proud to have come so far. And I am happy to report that my diabetes is under control.

Some before pictures....

November 2008

Me, Jax, and Gray in Baltimore in early December 2008.

and after...

Me, E, and Gray in the little boys' room in August 2009.

This morning, 58 pounds lighter!

Happy Halloween!

2009-11-01T10:58:00.000-07:00

We had such a fun Halloween! Ama came in from Texas to share in the excitement. The boys spent the day throwing sticky skeletons against the walls and ceiling.

We carved pumpkins.

Ethan and I worked together on this jack-o-lantern.

Jax carved his own this year and did a great job.

Jax also treated us to a special dinner. He made "candy corn pizza" which was a delicious tri-color pizza that resembled candy corn when sliced.

Then it was finally time to get into costumes.

Zorro left his signature Z in the snow in front of each house he hit for trick-or-treating.

James (Captain America's son for you comic book aficionados) kept the night safe from ghouls.

And our little moo cow number three enjoyed going door to door in the hiking back pack.

The kids enjoyed some candy (Gray even had some) and woke this morning ready for more! And, of course, they are already planning their costumes for next year.

My Mirror

2009-10-30T13:41:00.000-06:00

The other day E informed me that our activity was "lame-tastic." While part of me thought I should be hurt by the insult, it was such a good one that I just couldn't be. "Lame-tastic" - so very lame that the word lame was simply not descriptive enough.

E has been such a joy in my life. He is wonderful, spirited, and challenging. One moment he is cuddling and laughing, the next he rages at the injustice of not getting to sleep in my bed every night. He makes faces to entertain us...

...and is fast asleep within minutes, hands folded in what reminds me of prayer. (Yes, he is in my bed- his injustice argument was quite compelling.)

He stands up for himself and insists on being heard. While never mean-spirited, his honesty can be disarming. I love his kindness, his passion, his tirades, his wit- all of him, unconditionally. If any one piece was missing, he wouldn't be his wonderful little self.

And this has helped me know myself better. Perhaps more than my other children, E has shown me what I must have been like as a child. Like E, I am made up of contradictions. I feel everything deeply- love, anger, joy, hurt. I need to express it and must be heard, then I can move forward. Thank you, E, for being you and for being a little me.

Sweet curls

2009-10-29T09:50:00.000-06:00

I love the sweet soft curls of my childrens' hair when they are babies. The curls disappear with their first hair cut and though I save a lock or two, it always makes me cry. Gray's hair has recently begun to curl. It is also getting longer and the time will come soon when I'll have to succumb to the inevitable and take him for his first hair cut. It is sad knowing this will likely be the last time I enjoy one of my baby's downy curls. But for now I will twirl them around my finger and revel in the joy of holding my sweet baby boy.

Snowy Day

2009-10-28T13:37:00.001-06:00

As a child, I loved the book The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats. I had no memory of experiencing snow (though I must have in Rhode Island from birth to age 3). I loved the part about thwacking a snow covered tree and the "plop" of the snow. It is that kind of day today. Thick, wet snow weighs down the apple tree branches in our backyard. You can see your foot prints on our unshovel walk. I've come to expect the first snow around Halloween and look forward to it each year.

Today Jax and E jumped up and down on our bed in a circle, hands clasped, laughing and hooting. Why? SNOW DAY! It is an imagine I hope to always remember- the unselfconscious joy of it, the thrill of breaking routine, the excitement of the day to come. By day's end we no doubt will have had tears and squabbles, but for that moment nothing seemed better than brothers at home on a school day with endless possibilities ahead.