My co-pilot

This is one of my favorite rituals of the day. Each morning Gray sits in the car with me and pretends to drive. He loves it. This morning he said, "Go" and told his dad, "Bye!"

Look at me driving!

I take my driving very seriously!

Uh-Oh! Dad's about to take me out of the car!

Lucky 13

Yesterday was our 13th wedding anniversary. Traditionally one would give lace for this anniversary, though the modern gift is textiles. We gave each other a road trip across the whole of Missouri, Kansas and half of Colorado. While it is not the romantic get-away every girl dreams of, as I looked around the car it occurred to me that it was not a bad way to mark the occasion- cocooned in the car with the people I love most in the world.

Yes, I look crazy. You might, too, half way through Kansas.

Yep, that's Kansas stretched out before us as far as the eye can see (and then some).

The boys looked for ways to entertain themselves.

And finally fell asleep at the end of a long trip

Christmas

What a fun and busy time we are having.

Making cookies for Santa with Maw-Maw and Paw-Paw on Christmas Eve.

The boys opened our traditional Christmas Eve pajamas.

Milk and cookies on the mantle for Santa, and the kids were tucked in bed. BUT...

Mom and Dad feared Santa might have to pass right over when Jax and Gray couldn't get to sleep. E rolled right over and slept like a champ, but the excitement of Christmas Eve was too much for Jax. It is hard to say what had Gray out of sort. Everyone was finally asleep at 4:30 a.m. and Santa left the boys just what they asked for...

A Batcave for E,

a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist dummy for Jax, and and Giant blocks for Gray.

Gray made us all smile by enjoying the gift wrapping and boxes more than any of the gifts!

Whew! The grown ups are ready for a nap!

2 a.m. in my bed

E: "Mom? Mom! Dad said I could sleep in here."

Me: "Ok"

E: "I'm just going to the bathroom. I'll be back. Dad said I could sleep in here." He pads off to my private bathroom, the one that is supposed to be free from boy tinkle. When he is finished, he won't turn the light off because it is too scary, but pulls the door almost closed. Back in bed.

E: "I love you, Mom."

Me: "Love you, too, buddy. Let's get some sleep."

E: "I got a GI Joe today."

Me: "I can't wait to see it in the morning."

E: "Yeah, he's super cool. Did you work late?"

Me: "Yep. Let's get some sleep now."

E: "Dad said I could sleep here."

Me: "I know. Don't worry about it. I'm happy to see you. We'll talk in the morning."

And this morning at 4 a.m. we resumed our conversation, and then again at 7. Lots to catch up on.

Growing Pains

Jax wakes up at night whimpering because his joints hurt from growing so quickly. I've made buckwheat hot packs out of blue flannel with hockey players whirling around the fabric to try to soothe away the ache. Sometimes it works.

Lately I'm having growing pains. Not the kind that will make me any taller (darn shame, too). It is the sort of time I know I will look back on as a cross roads in my life. A stark before and after. Thankfully, no tragedy has marked this time. Just an insistent shifting of the ground below me, a questioning of everything I know, of myself. I'm not entirely sure where this is going or why I need to be along for the ride right now. Because, the thing is, I feel grown.

Funny, so does Jax.

Everything's Better with Waffles

The morning is my favorite time of day. The day holds such promise.

This morning I rolled over in bed (my bed that is) to see both Jax and Ethan sleeping peacefully and checked the time- 7:58. That is 2 minutes before we should be getting in the car to head out to school and work. I woke everyone, Jax had a meltdown about being late and informed us he was too sick to go to school. E took the opportunity to torture his brother by touching him, yes that can be torture when you are in the middle of a meltdown. I skipped the shower even though I needed one and knew I wouldn't be back home until 10 p.m. E tortured Jax some more.

Frankie made the kids a sit down breakfast because E insists on it. And Frankie thought to capture Gray eating waffles because it was too cute to pass up.

We finally piled in the car at 8:45 (15 min. after school had begun) only to find the main thoroughfare to school closed. We sat in the detour for almost an hour- school is 5-7 min from our house. During that time, Jax ticked off the events he missed- group time, geography... E rolled his window down and called to passersby- do you know where we are?

After dropping off the kids, I went straight to my 10 o'clock appointment without going to the office first.

But when a day starts with a little boy loving waffles this much, how can it be bad? (Though I have to laugh- you'd think from this blog that Gray does nothing but eat! Ok, he does eat a lot.)

Not in my bed!

THAT'S IT! After a week straight of E in my bed, I am evicting him tonight. He has violated the sanctuary.

Jax tipped me off to it. "Something smells" sniff, sniff "like pee." That's right. E peed in my bed. He apparently didn't even notice. It wasn't on my side, so neither did I. And without a sense of smell, I didn't know until Jax caught it. He assures me it is an awful smell.

If you know me at all, you know I cannot stand bodily fluids. I was horrified. E has had two accidents since being potty trained. Accidents happen, but not in my bed! That kid is going to have to sleep on his own tinkle proof mattress tonight. Which of course means no one will sleep tonight.

Missing Kyra

It was a year ago today that we discovered we would say goodbye to Kyra. She passed on December 8, 2008 and I have missed her every day since. That day I sent out the following e-mail:

Our sweet Kyra Belle left us today. She experienced a very rapid decline in health brought on by hypertension, a tumor, and Cushings disease. She went very peacefully while I held her and scratched her behind the ear. We will miss her incessant barking, her herding, and her sweat demeanor. We were blessed to have 12 wonderful years with her as our beloved pet, our first child, and our "Kyra sister." She has been a constant and loyal friend to me and will be dearly missed.

That about sums it up. I sure do miss my friend.

Kyra and the boys in December 2008.

Kyra December 2008.

Kyra and E in 2006.

Sweet Dreams

I need a good night's sleep. Jax has always invaded our bed, since the moment was brought him home and he nursed 24/7. That kid loves our bed. E used to be our best sleeper. He'd say good night, get bear, his poppys blank (my favorite down throw that he appropriated when he was about 18 months) and snuggle in for the night in his own bed. He slept a solid 12 hours and woke up happy. Then in the last few month he figured out that nothing prevents him from getting out of bed. Worse, he discovered that sometimes, after he is in bed, Jax sneaks into Mommy and Daddy's bed. Then the competition began. Now, at least one, but often both of them are climbing into bed with us in the middle of the night if we are lucky. More often in the last week, we are fighting with them to get into their own beds at bedtime- I know. It is crazy. We never expected to be negotiating who sleeps where with children. But after they get out of bed for the 30th time in an hour and have been crying the whole time, it wears you down.

Before I had kids, I was one of those smug adults who spoke knowingly of what I would never, ever allow my children to do. I would never allow them out of their chair in a restaurant, never let them sleep with me, never let them watch TV, never allow any sort of violent toy, no sugar, no sassy talk. Some of these rules have held fast, others have gone by the way side, most have reached some sort of realistic compromise that allows us to not be overbearing maniacs all of the time.

Oh, but the bed, the bed, the bed. Here is the thing. I cannot think of any more comforting thing in the whole world than climbing up into your parents' bed and snuggling down into the covers. Isn't it the seat of comfort, love and safety? And I know that we don't always have words for what ails us, we just need the touch and warmth of another person- someone to hold us close and soothe our hearts and souls. I also know that the day is coming when they will no longer want or be willing to crawl into our bed. This is a finite time- cherish it.

But, my God, am I tired.

Graham Crackers

I have my plate and my graham cracker.

It's the last one.

I think I'll walk around with it.

Into Mommy and Daddy's room.


Ethan has one...

If I stuff this one in my mouth, I can take that one.

Here I come!

Brother, let me have it!

The graham cracker, that is.


Yummy!

Santa Spoiler

It is the end of an era at our house. Jax found out- figured it out, I guess. It was during the whole swine flu quarantine.

Maybe I should start by telling you what a bone of contention Santa had been between me and Frankie. I didn't want to lie to Jax. I recall being crushed when I found out Santa wasn't real. I was so sad that he wasn't real, that the person the myth was based on was long since dead. I was angry and ashamed for having asked for such lavish gifts- things I knew we couldn't afford, but I'd had no qualms about asking Santa for, Santa who was magic and could make anything. But most of all, I remember how I wept hot bitter tears when I learned that my parents, and then my mother, had lied to me for years on end.

So, with all of this in mind, I proposed we tell Jax the tale of Santa and that we celebrate the tradition of giving, but NOT pretend he was real. Frankie nixed the idea- what is a childhood without Santa. (In exchange, I got a promise that we would forego gifts at Jax's birthday parties- which only half worked at all and then went out the window entirely when Jax got a say-so in the matter).

Jax's 1st Christmas 2000

And so, we began the Santa charade. Gifts from Santa, and photos. Santa would leave something in St. Louis where we spend each Christmas, and then also something under our tree at home. Yes, Santa was very generous to Jax.

Jax and Santa 2000

Or maybe I should start by telling you how much Jax loved Santa. My favorite Jax/Santa story:

When Jax was three we spent the day telling him we were going to see Santa and he would have to put something special on. To me, this was mom code for holiday dressy outfit complete with scratchy shirt and button pants. Jax took the initiative and dressed himself coming out in his Superman costume and announced he had put on something special to go see Santa. I loved it and loved him for the idea. And so we went off to the mall with our little Superman. After proudly waiting in line, asking if we thought Santa would like his costume, oblivious to the stares of the other parents and children, Jax was next. The sneaky elf asked Jax his name (no doubt to pass the recognizance on to the jolly man). Jax relied, "Superman."

Laughing, the elf asked, "What do they call you when you aren't Superman?"

His sweet, innocent face turned up to hers and replied, "Clark Kent."

Hand to heart folks. I love this child.

Each year, Jax thought long and hard about what to ask for. He wasn't one of those kids that would come up with a long list of things he wanted from Santa. He would ask for one, maybe two treasures. They may or may not be big ticket items. What really mattered was that they were something special- something he thought worthy of Santa's magic hand.

This year he came up with a really good one. So good in fact, we were somewhat worried about how we would find it. He wanted a ventriloquist dummy. He has been talking about it for months and settled on this as the item he would be asking Santa for. I had been searching on the internet and they are pricey. I love my son. I want him to have everything he wants- preferably on sale- especially when we don't know if he will even enjoy it. Then I found it. The dummy on sale for $20 less than I'd seen it anywhere else, still much more than I'd like to spend, but within a decent Santa price range and with shipping included. So, I ordered it.

Jax had started to ask if Santa was real. We would respond, "what do you think?" He'd say he thought so. We'd say, ok then. Everyone would move on.

Then the package arrived. I should note that it was a Wednesday - Veterans Day. No school, so the kids were home. No mail service, but UPS delivered. It had never occurred to me that it would arrive in a box with a picture on it. Who does that?! It was the worst possible luck. Any other day Frankie would have gotten it and tucked it away before Jax got home. Jax came up to my room carrying this...


He said he'd found it out front. His mouth opened and closed several times like a fish out of water. "Does this mean...?"

I took the box. I put it in my closet. My ears sounded like the ocean- I can only imagine what his sounded like. I got back in bed. "Jax, do you want to ask me anything?" He sat on my bed (pig flu quarantine be damned).

"Well, I, well..." I could see all of the pieces falling into place. Then he started apologizing. He kept telling me how sorry he was and how he would forget by Christmas. He asked that I not tell his dad. I told him he had nothing to be sorry for and that I was sorry he had seen it but it wasn't his fault. He asked if it had always been us. I nodded. He said, "Wow- I didn't know." Neither of us to could bring ourselves to utter the words, but we both knew the Santa myth had just died. He ended by saying, "Don't worry, I won't tell Ethan."

I love that kid. I'm sad for him. He has talked about it a few times since and mentioned that yesterday was a tough day at school owing to an awkward conversation at school regarding Santa. Then he stopped noting that , "the kids are in the car, I'll tell you later."

Jax, E and Gray 2008

The last year Jax believed.