Santa Spoiler

It is the end of an era at our house. Jax found out- figured it out, I guess. It was during the whole swine flu quarantine.

Maybe I should start by telling you what a bone of contention Santa had been between me and Frankie. I didn't want to lie to Jax. I recall being crushed when I found out Santa wasn't real. I was so sad that he wasn't real, that the person the myth was based on was long since dead. I was angry and ashamed for having asked for such lavish gifts- things I knew we couldn't afford, but I'd had no qualms about asking Santa for, Santa who was magic and could make anything. But most of all, I remember how I wept hot bitter tears when I learned that my parents, and then my mother, had lied to me for years on end.

So, with all of this in mind, I proposed we tell Jax the tale of Santa and that we celebrate the tradition of giving, but NOT pretend he was real. Frankie nixed the idea- what is a childhood without Santa. (In exchange, I got a promise that we would forego gifts at Jax's birthday parties- which only half worked at all and then went out the window entirely when Jax got a say-so in the matter).

Jax's 1st Christmas 2000

And so, we began the Santa charade. Gifts from Santa, and photos. Santa would leave something in St. Louis where we spend each Christmas, and then also something under our tree at home. Yes, Santa was very generous to Jax.

Jax and Santa 2000

Or maybe I should start by telling you how much Jax loved Santa. My favorite Jax/Santa story:

When Jax was three we spent the day telling him we were going to see Santa and he would have to put something special on. To me, this was mom code for holiday dressy outfit complete with scratchy shirt and button pants. Jax took the initiative and dressed himself coming out in his Superman costume and announced he had put on something special to go see Santa. I loved it and loved him for the idea. And so we went off to the mall with our little Superman. After proudly waiting in line, asking if we thought Santa would like his costume, oblivious to the stares of the other parents and children, Jax was next. The sneaky elf asked Jax his name (no doubt to pass the recognizance on to the jolly man). Jax relied, "Superman."

Laughing, the elf asked, "What do they call you when you aren't Superman?"

His sweet, innocent face turned up to hers and replied, "Clark Kent."

Hand to heart folks. I love this child.

Each year, Jax thought long and hard about what to ask for. He wasn't one of those kids that would come up with a long list of things he wanted from Santa. He would ask for one, maybe two treasures. They may or may not be big ticket items. What really mattered was that they were something special- something he thought worthy of Santa's magic hand.

This year he came up with a really good one. So good in fact, we were somewhat worried about how we would find it. He wanted a ventriloquist dummy. He has been talking about it for months and settled on this as the item he would be asking Santa for. I had been searching on the internet and they are pricey. I love my son. I want him to have everything he wants- preferably on sale- especially when we don't know if he will even enjoy it. Then I found it. The dummy on sale for $20 less than I'd seen it anywhere else, still much more than I'd like to spend, but within a decent Santa price range and with shipping included. So, I ordered it.

Jax had started to ask if Santa was real. We would respond, "what do you think?" He'd say he thought so. We'd say, ok then. Everyone would move on.

Then the package arrived. I should note that it was a Wednesday - Veterans Day. No school, so the kids were home. No mail service, but UPS delivered. It had never occurred to me that it would arrive in a box with a picture on it. Who does that?! It was the worst possible luck. Any other day Frankie would have gotten it and tucked it away before Jax got home. Jax came up to my room carrying this...


He said he'd found it out front. His mouth opened and closed several times like a fish out of water. "Does this mean...?"

I took the box. I put it in my closet. My ears sounded like the ocean- I can only imagine what his sounded like. I got back in bed. "Jax, do you want to ask me anything?" He sat on my bed (pig flu quarantine be damned).

"Well, I, well..." I could see all of the pieces falling into place. Then he started apologizing. He kept telling me how sorry he was and how he would forget by Christmas. He asked that I not tell his dad. I told him he had nothing to be sorry for and that I was sorry he had seen it but it wasn't his fault. He asked if it had always been us. I nodded. He said, "Wow- I didn't know." Neither of us to could bring ourselves to utter the words, but we both knew the Santa myth had just died. He ended by saying, "Don't worry, I won't tell Ethan."

I love that kid. I'm sad for him. He has talked about it a few times since and mentioned that yesterday was a tough day at school owing to an awkward conversation at school regarding Santa. Then he stopped noting that , "the kids are in the car, I'll tell you later."

Jax, E and Gray 2008

The last year Jax believed.